Fantasy NFL Mock Draft

A mock NFL draft for 2014 in which Dave makes ridiculous and nonsensical draft predictions for the top ten teams

1. Houston Texans: Captain America

The Texans need a leader on offense, someone not afraid to stand tall in the face of danger. Who better to lead than The Captain America. Not only does Steve Rogers have superhuman strength and agility, but he has a flying shield he can use to knock pass-rushers off their feet if necessary.

2. St. Louis Rams: Robocop exoskeleton for QB Sam Bradford

The Rams have a solid roster on paper, but their starting quarterback keeps breaking. The RoboCop metal suit should help Bradford stay physically together through 16 whole games in one season. Also, Bradford can use the suit to fight crime in the second most dangerous city in the U.S. at nights and during the offseason.

3. Jacksonville Jaguars: Tulsa Zoo Jaguar Cub

The child of Bebeto and Ixchel at the Tulsa zoo doesn’t have an assigned name or gender yet. But Jaguars owner Shahid Kahn wants to sell tickets at Everbank Field (Jax home stadium). “He may be small now, but with a few years of development and conditioning our newest player can become a real headhunter, as in someone who could literally rip a quarterback’s head off. I like to think outside the box when it comes to drafting new players.”

4. Cleveland Browns: The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders

Browns head coach Mike Pettine is a defensive genius. He helped Buffalo’s defense improve drastically during his time in with the Bills. Geniuses always think outside the box. Pettine knows if he tries to coach his players on defense to just tackle the player on offense with the football, Cleveland will just have another losing season because of the curse placed on them preventing them from going to the superbowl. Instead of doing things the old fashioned way, Pettine can have the Cowboys cheerleaders distract the other team with their charm and beauty and then have Josh Gordon run the ball in for a touchdown every time.

5. Oakland Raiders: Lockheed Martin F-35 Lightning II

Oakland Football is all about speed and size. And when it comes to speed and size, there aren’t much better combinations of the two than the F-35 Lightning II. She might be a little pricey at over 150 million dollars, but the Lightning II travels at over 1200 mph. NFL defenses will have a hard time keeping up with an offensive weapon of that caliber. Al Davis would truly be pleased with the selection.

6. Atlanta Falcons: Captain Falcon, from the Super Smash Brothers video game franchise

The Falcons struggled mightily to run the ball in 2013. And if there’s one thing Captain Falcon is good at, it’s…having huge thighs. And those are important for playing running back in the NFL. Just ask Giants RB Peyton Hillis.

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Zac Efron

Pro Football is the biggest sport in the U.S. but so few women find the sport interesting. Lovie Smith can draw an untapped market by drafting actor Zac Efron to play for the Buccaneers. He might not be a terrific athlete, but he can increase home field advantage by increasing attendance at games. The increased revenue Mr. Efron brings to Tampa Bay can allow them more money to spend on stadium renovation, coaching staff hires, and more gatorade for the players.

8. Minnesota Vikings:  Gregor Clegane or “The Mountain”  from Game of Thrones

I don’t know much about G.O.T., but I do know Minnesota recently lost DE Jared Allen and needs a physical presence to replace him. Drafting the mythical warrior should allow the front seven to put more pressure on the quarterback and possibly force opposing QBs to wet their pants. Some have questioned character concerns for Gregor because of his history of barbaric murder and other evil deeds, but character questions have never stopped talented NFL prospects from succeeding in the past.

9. Buffalo Bills: Flying Government drone

Young passer EJ Manuel’s had a challenging time connecting with his receivers in the endzone. Instead of using receivers, Head coach Doug Marrone will have Manuel pass the ball to a U.S. Government created drone. The drone can fly and instantly calculate the speed and trajectory of the football and catch it with perfect accuracy every time. Also, Buffalo fans can feel safer knowing big brother is watching them at every game.

10. Detroit Lions: Calvin Johnson cloning formula

In fifty years, all the NFL players will have the physical dimensions of Lions wide receiver. Why you ask? Not because the game is getting bigger, faster, and stronger. Because Lions management will clone Calvin Johnson, the perfect specimen to play every position on the roster and never have to draft from college ever again. Eventually other teams will steal the CJ formula and all teams will try to outsmart each other in a match of Johnsons vs. Johnsons.